Dick Cheney Should Play Video Games

Dear Mr. Cheney,

Everyone is talking about your recent hunting mistake. They are saying you lost control of your emotions. I say accidents happen with guns and hunting. It's a dangerous sport. Especially as you start to age, your reaction time is plummeting.

I suggest that you start playing video games. There's no chance of injury, except maybe a sprained thumb. No killing, maiming or hurting of anything living occurs in the virtual world.

If you don’t want to give up the hunting completely, that’s ok. I understand, it’s hard to break some habits. At least if you played a video game some of the time you could titivate your hand eye coordination. Fine-tune that reaction time with some Quake. Practice keeping your excitement in check. You know, so you’ve got the skills to not shoot a buddy in the head.

You may say, "I'm too old for video games." I think you could meet many people your age in XBox Live. I'm sure Old Grandma Hardcore would really enjoy taking you out in a Halo 2 death match. Still, no one's really hurt, except maybe your ego. Ganked by a grandma, you best brush up your skills Dick.

You may say, “I get exercise hunting that I wouldn’t playing video games.” It is true that toting injured cronies out of the forest burns many calories. Another great calorie burner is Dance Dance Revolution. I’m sure if you asked, Konami would put together a version just for you featuring hits of the 20’s.

Maybe you disagree with what I'm saying. Maybe you despise video games. Are you afraid the games may turn you into a trained killer? If that's the case perhaps you could become friends with Jack Thompson. Maybe one day the two of you could have fun hunting together.

Thank you